I know it's cliché, the whole "new year, new you" bologna, but for me jumping back on that health train feels dire. Like ever since my pregnancy, I've been drowning in a sea of hershy kisses and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, like Rose in Titanic, just clinging to my Gramcracker raft... Anything that will keep me smiling and safe above the waves of Post Partum Depression and Anxiety.
My PPD feels like I'm permanently PMSing. In the morning, I'll wake up high on life and happy, but by dinner time, I'm insecure and sad and down on myself and everything that I've accomplished. Little things are suddenly HUGELY annoying and I find myself yelling and angry more often than not. Smiling seems so FORCED sometimes, and then I just hate on myself even more, like "EVERYONE KNOWS you're a FAKE, Michelle! Time to throw in the towel!" So I find myself binging on sweets and Netflix, trying to numb myself to the hate I speak to myself on the daily.
PPD is knowing that my anxiety is a LIE, knowing that God has my back, and still feeling this immediate need to hide and protect myself. It's saying, "Today has been so wonderful. I'm okay. I have this incredible life," and minutes later crying, because I'm angry at myself for not being able to be happy in my awesome happy life.
PPD is ruthless and confusing and frustrating, and I have it, and that's okay... Because it's a Season. It won't last forever. And because I also have God; who constantly tells me I'm worthy and loved and known and good.
I know that I have not been honoring myself or my God, through how I have been treating myself and my body. So true to the New Year tradition, my Resolutions all involve improving my health... physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Romans 8:15 "For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"
1 John 4:4 "Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."
Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."