MY LIFE UNTIED
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Show 'em WHOSE you are!

10/26/2019

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This week guys...  This week has been a rough week, a fun week, but a rough one.  I have ,been looking forward to this week for quite some time.  It's the first week working with my new coach, John Harris, a man notorious for not only his own personal success in the bodybuilding industry, but for coaching other well known athletes as well.  Even though I was slowly losing on my own, I wasn't positive that my diet was supporting my workout and conditioning.  I was losing weight but also lean muscle mass and that body fat percentage wouldn't budge.  Having John help me out with my diet is going to be key to my success.  I trust him 100% to get me where I want to be, so I know the time, energy, and effort I put in will eventually yield the results I crave.  So to say I was excited, is an understatement.  But as I've learned with most self improvement and spiritual growth, the moment you decide to follow Christ or to do the right thing, or whatever that thing is that is going to propel you forward in life and in faith, the Devil attacks you with everything he has to knock you off your high horse and tempt you away from the path less taken.  Whatever will discourage you or question God's ability to work this through you.  

Day 2,  I started coming down with a cold.  My throat was itchy and post-nasal drip, the works.  
The morning of Day 3, my 4 year old baby girl has an accident on our living room couch.  Turns out, she had diarrhea, but no other symptoms.  All through out that night, my poor girl was puking or pooping herself, so my already fatigued body was hitting it's limits.  Add to that, my mother read one of my Instagram posts where I mentioned her opinion on my body building goals and she didn't take too kindly to it, so while I'm elbows deep in puke and poop, she's angrily texting me and hurt that I would post our private conversation.  I should note: my mother is happy that I'm happy and doing her best to be supportive.  She just doesn't get it and has a lot of contradicting ideas about what body building is.  My post was intended to encourage other women to continue to pursue and follow their dreams despite what other people may think or say.  I never thought it would hurt my mom by posting her opinion, but alas I am human and not perfect.  So...  here I am 2am holding my daughters hair back and hearing my phone vibrate and vibrate and vibrate, every "vvvvvv" like nails on a chalkboard, so I raise my closed, tired eyes to the sky and whisper, "enough.  Please, Lord, I need you.  I need a break."  10min later, Evalee is back in bed, my husband crawled in there with her to take care of her if she awoke again, and I got to crawl into a warm bed all to myself!  Praise God!  I turned my phone to silent and fell into the deepest sleep I've had all week.

Luckily, we kept Evalee home from school on Friday and the sickness let up.  We had no issues all day and all night.  Jerod even watched the kids when he got home from a long day at work, so I could keep to my training schedule and get to the gym to do both my weight training and cardio sessions.  I started to feel better, then Saturday poured in, LITERALLY, raining all day long, Evalee's sickness came back (diarrhea again throughout the day), so we had to cancel all our weekend plans including Boo at the Zoo with friends and the women's group I lead each Sunday.  I'm trying to see it all as a blessing.  I was forced to truly rest today and spend some quality time with my kids, building tents, watching movies, and playing board games.  We also took a family walk around the block tonight, put on our rain boots and splashed in some puddles. The best part, I made it through Hell Week and was able to stick to my diet and training routine 100%!  Beat that Satan!  If I can make it through all of this sickness and ugliness and still maintain my diet, training, motivation, and drive, then I can make it next week and the week after that and so on and on and on it goes.  God has me.  He'll carry me when my legs are like jello and I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.  He will be my light in the darkness and keep me focused on that end goal.  My baby sister, Annie, posted a verse from this poem at the beginning of the week and I do not believe in coincidences.  I think I was meant to see it and you all are meant to read it as well.  It was a poem that was written on a pretty beach picture that was framed and hung in the hallway of my childhood home from the time I was 4 to 15 years old.  I remember it well.


Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many   scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,  that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. 
Why, when I   needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
 
Mary Stevenson, 1936

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Where there's a will, there's a way

10/12/2019

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The last couple days have been a whirlwind of emotions both positive and negative.  It started with a calling for change, an unnerving nagging and thirst for more that I couldn’t quite quench.  I feel like I just haven’t been living up to my own expectations, but of course I am a perfectionist so no one could really live up to my expectations, but if I had to ask myself honestly, I have been a bit lazy and docile when it comes to my new years fitness goals and especially my dieting.  I had to ask myself, “Is this really something you want to do? I know you think it is, but is it REALLY?! IS IT?! Because this is going to be hard and a lot of the time it’s going to suck really really bad.” The resounding YES echoed off the deepest chambers of my heart and washed life back into my limbs in the form of goose bumps all over.  I need this. I am meant for this. I am so freaking able! Get behind me, Satan, for I know who goes before me and I know who stands behind! Can I get an, Amen! 

That same day, I contacted my new coach, John Harris, and told him that I am ready to get started.  I have been telling myself and others that I was going to wait until January to hire a coach, determined to go at this goal head first and on my own.  I wanted the credit. I wanted to prove something to myself - and I wanted to save money ;b But my good friend, Pastor Dave, has reminded me a lot these past couple months to give over my pride and give God the glory.  I have learned from past experience that I cannot reach this goal on my own. I have successfully lost weight and reached all new levels of fitness, but never on my own. When the going gets tough, Michelle hates confrontation and she jumps ship!  So in my dream world that demands from me Consistency, Resilience, Strength, Determination, Motivation, 100% Commitment to myself, short-term sacrifice for long term gains, and Faith, I cannot waiver and I literally cannot “carry the weight” alone.  

So I thought to myself, “I need to tell more people.  I need to stop pretending this is in the future, instead of making it my present and my future.  This IS who I am becoming. This IS who I am right now and who I am going to be tomorrow and 6 months from now.  And I need to live and act and move like I want it. Like it’s already mine.” I decided to reach out to my women's group, my best friends and sisters in faith.  Most already knew that figure competitions were a dream of mine, but I wanted them to know how serious I really am to making this goal my reality this year. I will be turning 30 years old in March and cannot think of a better way to celebrate than getting in the best shape of my life and strutting my new mom bod confidence across  a stage and bringing home that medal or a chance at championships and pro-cards and “elite” labels and checking more BIG boxes off my bucket list. Of course, they were all super supportive and excited for me.

One in particular, my friend Tina, offered to take some more Before photos for me for free, so I could have something to look back on as I make my big transformation.  I immediately took her up on it, even though I knew how awkward it may be, in my still pudgy and round body walking around her photo set in my thong bikini and stripper heels!  Trust me, it was a sight to be seen! But, let me tell you guys… I have never felt more confident and excited and exactly where I am meant to be inside my own skin at this very moment, then when I opened up the zip file she sent of all the photos she captured today.  I even prayed before opening it up. “Lord Jesus, my booty may be as white as a ghost, my legs may still have cellulite for days, and my belly may still have excess skin from carrying two beautiful souls inside my womb, but God, I pray and ask that you let me see Beautiful. I know that I am, Lord.  That like psalm 139:14 proclaims, “--I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Please let me see through loving eyes and know that I am exactly where you want me to be and trust that with you, we can accomplish my dream. In your holy name, Amen.”

And there before me, Beauty and Confidence.  All curves and thickness, yes, but strength, femininity, and overwhelming joy too.  Because I was doing what I wanted to do. I was living TRULY within my own skin for the first time.  Some of you are going to look at my end game, and disagree with my version of Beautiful and that is ok.  The important part is that I love me, which is, sincerely, a challenge in today's society. How often have you spoken those words?  At all?! Let alone saying them in your head without instantly feeling guilty or conceded or wrong. We are trained to put ourselves down and the Devil wants us to believe that we are not enough on our own.  That we need things, money, or relationships to have worth in this world and friends, it is all LIES! You are everything you need to be right at this very moment and he is moving the air and bending the skies and earth behind the scenes to bring you joy and peace and love and everything your sweet soul requires.  

Below you will find a slideshow of photos from today's shoot.  I did not post them all, because I want to save some for later as my body changes each month, I hope to post more for comparison.  Also the back and booty photos, I’m having a hard time posting for the ENTIRE WORLD to see until I have a really good AFTER photo to go along with them.  Yes, I know I have to perform on stage for a crowd and judges in a sparkly, thong bikini, but today. Is.. Not. That. Day, friends! Haha! You can wait 6 more months, right?  ;b 

I’ll leave you with this.  Something I learned today through an unlikely source, “Be Kind and Believe.”  whether that is in yourself or in a power greater than yourself. In all things, be kind and believe.


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October Weigh-In

10/3/2019

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I took before pictures again today.  I'm not posting until next month when I have a really great transformation comparison.  I'm still slowly losing body fat and gaining muscle back, but my motivation and drive has definitely been running at about 70%.  I make about half of my gym days and diet wise has been somewhat of a mess.  Don't get me wrong, I get my healthy meals in, but I've also been getting many added sweets.  I've fallen down the sugar rabbit hole!  Yikes!  So, I've decided to refocus and step up my game.  Even writing this out to the world is making the fat girl in me, break out in a sweat.  lol.  Now people KNOW, which means I have to actually follow through, What?!  Below is what my diet plan looks like and my weigh-in from Tuesday, October 1st.  I'm going to weigh-in at the beginning of each month and post to my blog, as a means to hold myself accountable, in addition to my weekly posts on life and faith, etc.   Hope you can follow along!

16/8 Intermittent Fasting

2-3 days per week will start out with 20-30min Fasted Cardio before the kids wake up or a run with the jogging stroller if they wake up early.

8:30am - Peach Tea with 1 tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar and dash of honey
*Only tea and water before Breakfast.
12:30pm - Breakfast
-2 whole eggs, 2 egg whites, and roasted veggies (1 zucchini, half a head of broccoli, half a bell pepper, half a medium sweet potato, Tbs olive oil, Tbs honey, Tbs Basalmic Vinegar)
-Multivitamin and probiotic
4pm -  Lunch
-5oz boneless chicken breast, 2 cups Spinach, half bag of Dole Sunflower Salad Mix, half an avocado, top with sprouts and a quarter of the Sweet Onion Citrus Dressing or OO, BV dressing.
-Multivitamin
6 - 7pm - GYM TIME
7:15pm - Post workout VEGA sport shake with unsweetened Almond Milk and PB3
8:30pm - Dinner
-5oz Fish or Chicken and a bunch of veggies.  
-Multivitamin
*If I feel the need to snack in-between, I may have a Mad. Vanilla Kind bar or handful of unsalted raw almonds.

**Special Note:  I am almost done breastfeeding!  I only feed my son at night to get him to sleep and back to bed if he awakes again.  Once he is completely weened, I plan to up my supplement game as well.  Adding ZMa at night, a pre-workout on occasion, BCAAs before and during a workout, etc. So stay posted.  


Weigh-In (Oct. 1st):

162.6lbs
25.8% body fat

52.6% water
114.6lb muscle
6 Phy Rate
1633 BMR
24 metabolic age
6.0 bone density

3 Visceral Fat

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Now is the Time

10/2/2019

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God is Preparing a Way

This phrase has been jumping out at me a lot over the last week or so.  Either people have randomly spoken it to me during conversation or I’ve seen it written or read it in my bible.  God is definitely trying to tell me something here. I do not believe in coincidences. Everything has meaning and purpose and phrases like, “Rest in God’s strength, Trust in Him, He’s gotten us through worse.”  All of my world seems to be yelling at me to turn from my fears or my anxieties and turn towards Christ and refocus on His power and His strength. Stop dwelling in a pit of my own inability and lean on God’s ability to see my hopes and dreams into fruition.  He is working on my behalf even now, as I pound out these keys on my laptop trying desperately to concentrate over the chaos and rumpus dancing out from the playroom where my husband is entertaining our children for a few minutes before we all head up to bed.  

He orchestrated my day and evening, so that I could have these 20minutes of peace and alone time.  Time for me to reflect and to reach out to the buzzing internet realm who have shown up to read and relate and connect.  These moments are few and fleeting when you are raising a family, working, contemplating going back to school, working towards a fitness goal, trying to make time with your spouse, and ya know, trying to shower and look somewhat appealing to the world.  I know you all understand this mess way too much. You. are. not. alone.  

So I just want to take a moment in the middle of my own chaos, to praise and thank God for everything He has orchestrated in my life to get me to where I am today.  All the failures, all the regrets, all the lost time, lost sleep, and trials of faith. I would not be the same women I am before you. I would not understand the world and the broken people in it.  From a perfect pedestal, we can look down on others around us and judge their bad choices or their lifestyles decisions, saying things like, “I would never do that! My kids will never act that way! What kind of person would do such a thing.”  Until it’s you under the social microscope. Until the devil holds you down in your own darkness and out of all the lies he buries you in, you make a choice that you “never thought you would.” And then you can see. Finally, your eyes are open to the world and its ugliness.  I truly believe that without pain and suffering, we can never truly know Jesus --Know what he suffered on that cross and understand the weight and depth of his mercy and forgiveness. So thank God for your suffering as well as your joy. He’s working that pain into cobblestones and creating a pathway for you to righteousness.  All He asks is for us to TRUST Him. “Come, take my hand, walk to me, cross through the river, walk upon the water.”  

No more waiting until Monday.  Or until I have more time.  Or until all the details magically fit together.  Now is the time to thrive and be the person God calls me to be.   I am stepping up to the plate, God.  I hear you calling, and I am ready.  I've already prepped my mornings with holy armor and end my days with prayer.  I hope to include you and hand over all aspects of my day to day, specifically that which does not serve either of us.  Over the next 4 months, as I near closer to the new year, I pray you aid me in remaining steadfast to my goals and to my diet plan, so that I can be a woman of my word and hold this commitment to myself precious.  


Thank you God for this beautiful thing called, Life. Thank you for an able body to lift, move, run, swim, climb, and rest.  Thank you for my children that keep me on my able feet and help me see the world through innocent eyes. Thank you for a loving husband, who may not know you like I do yet, but cares for me and your people more than himself.  Thank you for a family that despite its trials and differences, always chooses each other again and again --always says, “I love you,” before walking out the door. Thank you for a home that is enough, food that is enough, and financial stability.  Thank you for our friends and our church who support, encourage, and guide us in pursuit of your never ending joy. You are so awesome, God! So powerful and so merciful. So wonderful and dear you are to me.

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Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe Proverbs 3:5-6 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight
Isaiah 43:16-21 16 This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 17 who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 20 The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, 21 the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.
Exodus 14: 13-31 13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 15 Then the LORD said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. 16 Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. 17 I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen. 18 The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.” 19 Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, 20 coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. 21 Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, 22 and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. 23 The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. 24 During the last watch of the night the LORD looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion. 25 He jammed the wheels of their chariots so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, “Let’s get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt.” 26 Then the LORD said to Moses, “Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen.” 27 Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. 28 The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen—the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived. 29 But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. 30 That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. 31 And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

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September 20th, 2019

9/20/2019

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Been making it to the gym all week and finally starting to feel like old self again. Every day, gaining more and more confidence in my own skin and in the gym. Yesterday was Leg Day and I even came up with the courage to talk with others and ask for help. The Physical Training instrictor on duty agreed to be my resistance for lying leg curls. They didn't have a machine, so I had to improvise. And then the Leg Press had 4, 100lb Dumb Bells on it, so i had to ask a bigger dude to help me get them off. That may not seem like a big deal to most, but when you're the only girl in the gym, it's hard to make friends who won't think your just trying to hit on them. Lol. Thank God the PT person was a girl and not a guy, because I can only imagine the awkwardness of a man forcing my legs down or keeping my butt/hips from coming up off the ground!!

A few weeks ago, I discovered that my IDOL, Dana Linn Bailey, has a website where she posts her daily workouts and videos! I have never been so excited! One of my biggest anxieties is not knowing what I'm going to do at the gym. I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to go in with a plan of action and not worry about how all the machines work etc. Being able to utilize her website for ideas and routines, takes out all of that fear and anxiety, and also saves me a bunch of time. I love it! Below are the movements, along with sets, reps, and weight. It was Killer! If you see me struggling to walk or sit today and tomorrow, you know why! Lol.

Killer Leg Day!

​Squats
90lb BB, 6r X 3s, drop to 70lb, drop to 60lb (next time i wanna add a warm up round - could have done more)

Leg Extentions
90lb, 12, 10, 8, 8r x3s, drop 10lb, drop 10lb, drop 10lb AND 10 half reps to hold
Lying leg curls
12,10,8,8 drop resistance, 8 drop resistance
(PT hand resistance)
Leg press
180lbs (20r,15,10,10,50 drop set)
BW Lunges
goal 100 (I did 70r)

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John 10:10 & Ephesians 6:11

9/16/2019

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I woke up this morning at 6am to my Sully screaming for “Mum Mum Mum Mum!”  After breastfeeding him back to sleep in the sofa chair, I had to let our new puppy outside to pee (oh yeah! We got a new puppy!), and by then it was 6:40am, so I figured I would just stay awake at this point and try to write something.  And maybe it is the puppy biting my ankles or pulling on the charging cable to my laptop, or maybe it’s the 6 hours of broken up sleep throughout the night, or the fact that it’s the FIRST TIME in a couple weeks, I’ve had a moment to breath and just be me, but the words are just not coming to me.  So I pray and ask God to lead this where he may...

I opened the morning up with prayer and my daily devotional, just as I’ve been doing every day for the last 2 weeks.  I made a choice after seeing Beth Moore preach at the Living Proof Live event in Cincinnati, that I was going to make time for God and time for His word.  Beth spoke about how she wakes up every morning and sits out on her front porch and reads the bible. That imagery of watching the sun come up and being filled by truth and light really spoke to me.  While on vacation in Cocoa Beach, I often woke up early to sit out on my balcony and watch the sunrise over the ocean. Never have I felt more connected to the Earth and happy for the start of a new day.  So, I decided then and there that this was something I was going to start doing for myself and for my relationship with my creator.

I also hadn’t realized until that event, that my  mind had been in a downward spiral of fear and anxiety.  After all, I had been to therapy. I had gone back to the gym - started eating better.  I was taking care of me more. I had conquered THIS, right? Wrong. For days leading up to the event, the enemy worked to make sure I would not receive the message.  I was riddled with fear of leaving Solomon for 2 days. I had enough milk frozen for maybe 2 bottles, not that he needs them any more, but he still feeds for comfort, especially at night.  I didn’t want him to think I had abandoned him. On top of that, I was going on this trip with a handful of women from my old church that I hadn’t seen in quite some time, so I feared being the “outsider” of the group. It had been so long and I had grown so much in my walk with Christ since last they’d seen me.

I don’t know if anyone else ever feels this way when you go home after a long time away.  When you run into old friends or acquaintances from high school or a past job. It’s the fear of people seeing you in that old, vulnerable skin.  Like, you know who you are now, confident and happy in your life, but somehow going back home means facing who you used to be and how you used to feel and the fear that everyone there still sees you differently.  Does that make sense?  

I knew these women at the beginning of my walk with Christ.  It was a time, I way over shared about my past and opened up to them like someone who needs a therapist, not a friend.  I felt like I needed to be known and they couldn’t really know me without knowing all the dark, ugly things that led me to church and brought me to Christ.  I never felt truly comfortable in my own skin. All of it had nothing to do with them; they always treated me kindly and included me in discussions, encouraged me to speak and applauded my input.  It was me and my insecurities. Maybe I saw them as living these charmed lives, and I was just a project to be fixed. You know… sometimes you meet people that are so broken that you want to keep them at arms length, but you also want to minister to them and help bring them closer to Christ?  I told myself that I was this person. The enemy told me that I wasn’t enough, and I believed him. I felt like they couldn’t possibly understand me, or like me, and so I had to try so hard to fit in.  

When I moved to Newark, I begged God to connect me with good christian women.  That I could make friends that would accept all the mess and with whom I could be myself without fear.  I drove back and forth from Newark to Pickerington, Newark to Westerville, Newark to Grove City, all week long to connect with old friends and was not fully committing to my life in Newark.  I was scared. I had started my journey at this church and with these people and even though I heard God telling me to make the move to Engage, I wasn’t sure I was ready. These people know me!  They know my mess. If I move, it’s like starting over. What if I’m rejected? What if I still don’t belong? …

I learned this week that to live an abundant life…  to thrive in your chaos… We have to make a choice. I can continue to ask “What if” and wallow in fear and anxiety OR  I can CHOOSE to trust God and believe that he IS working for my good. We almost lost our newborn niece a couple weeks ago, and I was crying in the car on the way home one night, just gripped by grief for my sister and how God could allow something like this to happen.  And Evalee asked me, “mommy, why are you so sad?” and I replied, “because death is sad. I am just so sad that Edie may die.” and what she said to me next, I will never forget. She said, “But mommy, what if she doesn’t?!” and when I didn’t reply right away, she just kept saying it, almost yelling it at me. “Mommy?!  What if she doesn’t?! What if she doesn’t!!” The way she saw the situation shook me. I was focusing on the negative, focusing on the likelihood of pain and sorrow and suffering, and my four year old was focused on the power and awesomeness of God! What if she doesn’t die? It was like God speaking to me through her.  Her little voice, booming and begging me, “Trust ME! Why can’t you just trust me? Don’t you know who I Am - what I’ve done before? What I am capable of doing now? What if I save her? What if she doesn’t? Trust me!!”

Too often I choose fear and let worry take over my day to day.  It’s when I wake up to a messy, dirty house - clutter in every corner, on every counter - dinner plates from the night before still sitting out on the table - and laundry piled up so high on my living room couch that you may not even notice the fireplace behind, that I choose to start my day off with negativity and allow the enemy to dictate who I am.  “This is so terrible, I’m terrible. Why can’t I just get ahead? Why can’t I keep up? I am not enough. I am not a good mom. How do other people with more kids do this and I can’t. I just can’t” on and on and on I go, and that sets the tone for the entirety of the day. But no more.

The day I chose to fully commit to my life in Newark - the day I chose to firmly plant both feet in Engage Newark Church and trusted God to sew all the pieces of my life back together like the tapestry artist that he is, was the catapult to an abundance of joy and life long friendships.  The day I left Beth Moore, I chose God again. I choose to believe that no matter what may come, I will look to Him first and trust in his plan and in his hands that never stop working for my good.  Like all things with faith, it is a journey. I have not just arrived at some holier than thou location. My life has not instantly changed. It is a daily choice. A moment to moment choice. To be able to recognize when I am experiencing fear and anxiety, and then turning my eyes to the Lord and to his word. Choosing joy when I want to choose doubt. In just 2 weeks, it has made such a huge impact on my every day.

​What is it in your life that is bringing you stress and anger? What is holding you back from living life in abundance?  Hand it over. Tell God you believe he is able. I pray today that you all can wake up in joy with me. Already clothed in light and holy armor. Ready to conquer your day.


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He is Able

9/3/2019

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I don’t know where the doubt starts to creep in.  I know it starts as something small, something insignificant.  And you make allowances because “it’s not a big deal,” and you’ll, “just do better tomorrow.”  Which is all good and well until 2 weeks later, that one time has become a daily routine and now you’re drowning in the amount of small stuff.  Did you forget to wipe the counters? do the laundry? Did you put off cleaning the babies breakfast tray, because you were in a hurry to get everyone out of the house, but now it is a new day and the oatmeal is hard and stuck like glue?  It happens to me all the time.  

I’m the worst with food.  Sugar is a drug and one that I am sorely addicted to.  It is also something that I have built a habit around when things feel out of my control.  What I turn to when I’m down or overwhelmed or stressed. What I look forward to at the end of a particularly long day of screaming toddlers asking millions of questions and housework and work work and responsibility.  I put my beautiful babies to bed and then it’s me time! I pour that gorgeous glass of wine and a few cookies as I watch all my guilty-pleasure television I’d be too embarrassed to watch with my husband and kids around. Just me and a giant bowl of cheerios while I watch the drama unfold on Bachelor in Paradise.  Once in a while, it is a wonderful addition to the end of my day, but somehow festers and before too long, I’ve forgotten all about my goals and fitness aspirations. My brain falls into a sugar-coma, where the devil whispers in my ear things like, “You aren’t capable of that goal anyway.. You are going to fail..  You are going to let yourself down.. and How embarrassing will that be when everyone knows how worthless your word is?!” and it goes on and on and on! So I eat another cookie and pretend it won’t matter in the long run, after all, I’m still making progress. Excuse after excuse, as long as I don’t have to self-regulate.  As long as I don’t have to deny myself that instant gratification. As long as I can numb myself to my current stressful or overwhelming situation.  

Obviously, the Devil is the King of Lies.  All of that negative self talk and put-downs - It’s all LIES!  I know this. I know I am able and capable. The problem is my faith in the one who created me.  Do I believe that I am good, like he says that I am? Do I believe that He can take a blind man and make him see?  That He died for my sin, rose from the dead, ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father God?!  If I truly believed that Christ is who the Bible says He is, then I would not doubt His ability to see my goals to fruition.  I have not handed over the struggle. The panic and anxiety. The feelings of being trapped inside my skin, afraid to speak the words, “something’s got to give,” because I need to be everything to everyone.  I need to be in control in an out of control world. I don’t know… Are any of you like this? I just can’t let God have it. All of it. Because, I trusted Him with my friendships and some of those friendships are over.  My second mother, Marcy, trusted Him with her children, and my friend… her son… was killed by a drunk driver going the wrong way down a freeway. People die every day from starvation, cancer, addictions. Kids are raped, sold, and enslaved.  If God is in control, why does he allow those things to happen?  

And the doubt seeps in...

I begin to ask “Is God even listening?  Does he even care? He must care, right?  Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  It says to bring EVERYTHING to Christ, even the small stuff.  I honestly feel shame bringing little things to Christ. My four year old having issues listening today, having to tell her five times to stop and then screaming at her before she decides to listen - How does that compare to someone else's prayers to become pregnant or to save their dying child from Cancer?  How does God pick and choose what is good and what is right and what is just? Why do some receive miracles and others don’t. I think God will see my tiny parenting woe and see me as ungrateful. After all my kids exist and are healthy. I asked for them, prayed for them, dreamt about being a mom since before I can remember, and now I am Mean Mommy.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful for my answered prayers.

But, my friends, God is God.   I am trying to put God in a box.  I am trying to define God, the creator of all things, by a human dictionary, and see Him, who knows all and sees all, through a human lens.  Isaiah 55:8-9, says it more clearly, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts,’ declares the Lord, ‘For the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”  We cannot put God in a box.  He is far greater and immense and beyond all understanding.  He is powerful, mighty, and altogether Holy. All to often, we see God through Christ and his humanness, but Christ is God incarnate.  Isaiah 40:28 reads, “Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.”  That sentence: He does not faint or grow weary!  God does not sleep or rest. He is constantly working in our lives, behind the scenes, even when we don’t feel Him or see His works laid out for us.  Even in the darkest of times. Even during the struggle.
​

The problem with being human is wanting to know everything and have it all right now!  At least I do. I want to feel like I have order and control, because then I won’t fear.  But friends, life is scary. We cannot exist in this life without fear. Disorder and chaos are simply God’s tools for creation.  He is working for our good on a timeline far beyond our need for the here and now. In Priscilla Shirer’s book, God is Able, she writes, “Just because you can’t see it or feel it or tell your friends about it right now means only one thing:  not that He’s unable, but that His sovereign love is acting right this moment out of sight and without your knowledge. Because His love (as Psalm 136 says) is eternal.  Way bigger than just right now. And being willing to trust this truth is part of what believing in His ability is all about.” Nothing is too small to bring to God. He is able.  It just might not happen in the time frame we want and expect, or it may not happen at all - and in that situation, we must remember that God is still God. We must choose to rest and choose peace, handing over that terrible, seemingly unanswered, right-now prayer to God and knowing God is still working for your good in all the current ugliness.  

Let it rest.  Let go and let God. Step away and look up to your creator.  LIke Psalm 121:1 proclaims, "I lift my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." 

​He is able.
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Contentment

8/14/2019

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I just got back in town Monday from our vacation to Cocoa Beach, FL this past week.  If you've ever been on a vacation with your toddlers, then you know that the hope of relaxation and peace may be more of a dream than a reality.  Add to it, my husband was unable to get off work for the week, so I was going to have to travel ALONE with both my kids (1yr and 4yr old).  Thank God, for my best friend, Carissa, who graciously accepted my invitation to come along!  I know for a fact that I would not have survived this trip without her help, encouragement, and conversation.  

The plane ride actually went pretty well.  We were able to trap my son between the wall and the isle and let him roam in front of our seats.  I loved watching Evalee's face as the plane started to speed down the runway and lift up into the air.  She squealed with excitement and anticipation of the lift off.  "Look Mom!" she would scream every 10min or so, "LOOK!! We're in the clouds!"  I had booked us a straight flight, so 2hours or so and we were in Florida.  Woohoo!  

And that's where our troubles started...

We waited for the car rental shuttle at the airport for at least 30min in the sweltering heat.  Upon arrival, we realized the rental office is only 500sqft; really only big enough for a handful of people waiting in line, so I had to leave the kids and our luggage outside with Carissa again in the heat for another 40min.  Despite the fact that I had called the company weeks in advance to reserve the right car seats for my kids, they still brought me out the wrong ones and took another 30min to find the right ones and fill our van up with gas.  My poor babies were cranky, hot, and looked like they were about to pass out in the heat.  Day one was not starting out like I had anticipated, but eventually we got into the A/C and were on our way from Orlando to Cocoa Beach.  The excitement had returned, and we couldn't wait to get to our Junior Suite Ocean View retreat, drop our bags and get a bite to eat.  

The drive was an hour long, but Carissa and I had a great time bonding while the kids napped in the back seat.  Immediately upon pulling into the parking lot, I realized something wasn't quite right.  The hotel didn't look like they had pictured it to look on the website.  The exterior was worn down and faded, barely anyone in the parking lot, but I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, so I kept my hopes up.  After all, this place had a pirate ship kiddie pool! How bad could it be? 

​Carissa stayed in the car with the kids, while I ran into the lobby to check us in.  The lobby reeked of mold and mildew.  From the waiting line, I could see into the hall behind the front desk and the floor boards and carpet were discolored and black, like they had some water damage.  STILL, I held my cool and prayed silently that our room would still live up to my expectations.  Let me tell you folks,  the ONLY expectation that was fulfilled was the proximity of the room to the beach!  haha.  It was an absolute nightmare.  Not only did the room also smell like mold and mildew, all the furniture was chipped and dented, paint splattered all over the floor boards and laminate flooring, the couch had sweat stains all over it, and the single bedroom looked as though it had been ransacked right before we arrived.  The mattress and box spring flipped up against the walls and bedding toppling off onto the floor.  I didn't feel safe.  The staff didn't even attempt to encourage us to stay, like THEY KNEW how bad the conditions were.  I said something like, "our room was so scary, I'm thinking of just going to another hotel.  Is it possible to get a refund?"  and the hostess just said, "Yes, I'll do that for you now."!!! "Here you go!"  I assumed they would try and find us something better, but nope.. 

At this point it was now 5pm and a storm was brewing.  We had a car full of tired, hot, hungry kids and luggage and no where to go.  Again, I said a silent prayer.  I could feel the anxiety and tension growing.  I was annoyed and frustrated, and starting to spiral.  "of course this would happen to me!  I can never do anything right!  I needed this vacation so bad, and was so excited about this place... Arg!" /  "NO no no no NO!  You are not going to react this way.  No.  This trip is a gift and is necessary for your sanity.  There is a reason for everything.  Remember that comment you read the other day?  That girl who posted about how she is able to bring herself out of a rage episode? Yes! think of 3 things you can see, 3 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, then 2, then 1."  And just as I was regaining control over my thinking, Carissa chimes in, "You know what, Michelle, I think this is going to work out exactly as it's supposed to.  I think the universe has something so much better in mind for us this week."  She somehow always knows how to calm my soul and bring me comfort in trying times.  I knew she would make an awesome travel buddy for this trip! 

And that is exactly what God had in mind..

I decided not to further overwhelm myself and worry about the room.  I completely let it go and handed it over to God.  I told Carissa, that I would contact an AAA agent after we had gotten dinner and at least attempted to enjoy some of our first day on the beach.  So we found a great place to grab dinner RIGHT ON THE BEACH!  They had live music and a bar and great food and soon our bellies were full and our feet were in the sand.  It rained, but we didn't care.  Arms spread wide, I twirled and it was a good day again.  The AAA agent was able to locate us a room within a matter of a minute and it was a 5min walk from the famous Cocoa Beach Pier.  The whole span of our balcony faced the ocean and the only thing that separated our building from sand was a little patch of wild weeds and bushes.  We were able to literally walk out of our hotel, over a strip of wooden bridge, and into the sand.  It was breathtaking and exactly what I had hoped for over the last couple months.

Wednesday, both my kids came down with some kind of stomach bug.  My daughter woke up puking around 4am, then again at the hotel breakfast buffet, then again in the car (thank God we had a trash bag available!)...  My son never puked but had diarrhea all day long.  We spent the entirety of the day inside our hotel room watching sponge bob, and I thought I was going to absolutely lose it! lol.  But here's the thing..  No, I was unable to get up early and go running that morning on the beach, BUT I was still able to breastfeed the baby on our balcony and watch the sun rise over the ocean.  No, I was unable to enjoy the sunshine from the sand, but Carissa offered to watch over Evalee while Sully napped, so I could go out and sun bathe on the balcony.  No, we did not leave our room, but after the kids fell asleep early, we were able to sip wine in the dark, listening to the waves and crickets, and talk about anything and everything under hundreds of stars, and share life together.  It should have been a terrible day, but it wasn't.  It is a memory I will likely cherish forever.  

So much more happened on this trip..  So much that I won't share as I've already written a novel, but all I can think about looking back over our time in Florida, is how God worked in all of the struggle.  How I was able, probably for the first time in a very long time, to calm the storm within me and seek Christ and bring myself peace of mind.  To let go my need for perfection and order and embrace the chaos..  the gift..  to be content no matter the situation.  

2 Corinthians 12:10
"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

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Mathew 6:25
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Philippians 4:12
"
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Hebrews 13:5
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”'



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Starting Stats

7/30/2019

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I'm going on vacation August 5th through the 12th and plan to thoroughly enjoy my time there, alcohol and food included.  The week I return, the plan is to ease my way back into my meal prep routine, grocery shop that weekend and start my hard core dieting on Monday the 19th.  I will weigh in again on Monday and let you all the damage. lol.  

Below you will also find my goals for the coming year and where I intend to be by this time next year.  


March 18th

Weight - 183lbs
Body Fat - 38%
Visceral Fat - 6
Metabolic Age - 50
June 24th
Weight - 165.4 lbs
Body Fat - 35.9%
Visceral Fat - 5
Metabolic Age - 45
August 1st 
Weight - 161 lbs
Body Fat - 31.7%
Visceral Fat - 4
Metabolic Age - 37
Goals:
By Feb 1, 2020 -
>Regain pre-baby level of fitness
>Body Fat = less than or equal to 21%

By March/April - 
>Find Personal Trainer & Posing Coach

By May/June
>Compete in first show, not expecting to win

By September/October
>Championships   ...maybe  ...someday.
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Squishy

7/15/2019

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My daughter loves my belly.  I mean intensely LOVES it.  I have been chatting with her lately about my recent health and fitness goals, and the only thing that she has been able to focus on is the loss of my belly fat.  She snuggles her head into it, kisses it, then cries, "but mama!  I don't want your squishy belly to go away!!  I love it!  It's so nice to cuddle with."   Her innocent, wonderful, pure love of me and view of the human body makes me feel so full of joy.  She see's through a lens of love, not entrapped by the weight of the world, just a girl who loves her mama.  

It is incredibly important to me to teach my daughter about good health and wellness without causing her fear of food or putting too much emphasis on how we "look."  My mother never taught me how to eat to properly fuel my body, and because of that I struggled with my weight and low energy my whole childhood.  She encouraged me to be active.  I did play a couple different sports and danced, etc. but her focus was more on the emotional.  She wanted to make sure I accepted myself in whatever skin I was in, so she'd say, "Michelle, just love who you are.  God made you perfect.  Just love WHO YOU ARE."  Who you are...  that phrase still strikes a terrible cord with me.  I get that her intention was for me to love myself and that is wonderful, but it made me feel like my fat defined me.  Like fat was just What I was.  Just accept that I was never going to be anything else.  Why even try?  This is how God made you, just accept it!  It drove me nuts.  As with most things in life, if someone told me I couldn't do it or I wasn't something, you best believe I was going to try to prove them wrong.  But it did take years of learning, building self-confidence, and growing closer to Christ to fully infiltrate my mind and belief system.  I was capable.  I was worthy.  I had potential.  I don't want my daughter to endure that struggle.

Evalee saw me checking out the Ohio NPC bikini championships on my phone and asked what I was I was looking at.  I told her that I'm hopeful that one day maybe next year, I'll be able to compete in a similar contest, explaining how hard the athletes train and how disciplined they must be to compete and especially to win.  She seemed fascinated and smiled at every picture.  Then she looked at me and looked at the pictures again, then said, "Well Mama...  You may not win."  haha!  I said, "Why not?!"  She replied, "You just have to be ok if you don't win.  But don't worry, I'll still love you."  Now every day since, she has encouraged and asked to work out with me, saying, "Let's go, Mom!  You gotta build those muscles!"  haha.  I just love her enthusiasm.  I think she'll make a great coach some day.

Today, she asked if she could attend my Boxing class with me.  She normally goes into the little kids watch area and plays while I'm in the gym, but because this was a class and away from heavy machinery, I told her that I would ask.  We were able to get her in the class and she, in her own words, FREAKED OUT!  She ran upstairs to find the perfect Workout Outfit. lol.  Always my diva.  My little Mini Me.  I was so proud of her.  Being able to teach her different punches and witness her eyes light up when my mouth would drop in surprise of her hit, just made my entire existence.  It is truly a memory that I will cherish forever.  The 4year old kicked some major butt today, and I am so proud of her for toughing it out through the whole class.  It makes me hopeful that we may share this joy of fitness together the rest of our lives.  It also makes me proud of myself and realize despite what the devil would have me believe, I AM a good mom and I AM trying my best and I AM not going to let her down and I AM good and leading by example.  Daily affirmations are so important in the journey of relearning the Truth.  If you have had similar struggles, I pray that you read the daily affirmations below (provided by oneyearbible.com) because they are life giving.

Daily Christian Affirmations: 
I am a child of God. 
John 1:12 
I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ's life. 
John 15:1-5 
I am a friend of Jesus. 
John 15:15 
I have been justified and redeemed. 
Romans 3:23-24; Romans 6:6 
I will not be condemned by God, I have been set free from the law of sin and death. 
Romans 8:1-2 
​My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who dwells in me 
1 Corinthians 3:16; 1 Corinthians 6:19 
I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with him. 
1 Corinthians 6:17 
The hardening of my mind has been removed in Christ. 
2 Corinthians 3:14 
I am no longer a slave but a child of an heir. 
Galatians 4:7 
I hae been set free in Christ. 
Galatians 5:1 
I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. 
Ephesians 1:3 
I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God. 
Ephesians 1:4 
I am redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Christ. 
Ephesians 1:7 
I have been predestined by God to obtain an inheritance. 
Ephesians 1:9-11 
I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. 
Ephesians 1:13 
Because of God's mercy and love, I have been made alive with Christ. 
Ephesians 2:4-5 
I am seated in the heavenly places with Christ. 
Ephesians 2:6 
I am God's workmanship created to produce good works. 
Ephesians 2:10 
I am a member of Christ's body and a partaker of His promise. 
Ephesians 3:6; Ephesians 5:30 
I have boldness and confident access to God through faith in Christ. 
Ephesians 3:12 
My new self is righteous and holy. 
Ephesians 4:22-24 
I was formerly darkness, but now I am light in the Lord. 
Ephesians 5:8 
I am a citizen of heaven. 
Philippians 3:20 
The peace of God guards my heart and mind. 
Philippians 4:7 
God supplies all my needs. 
Philippians 4:19 
I have been made complete in Christ. 
Colossians 2:9-10 
Christ is my life, and I will be revealed with him in glory. 
Colossians 3:4 
I have been chosen of God, and I am holy and beloved. 
Colossians 3:12 

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    Christian mom of 2 casting light on the realities of life that is parenting toddlers, staying healthy, all while running a household, making money, and you know... showering and looking fabulous. ;]

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