This week guys...  This week has been a rough week, a fun week, but a rough one.  I have ,been looking forward to this week for quite some time.  It's the first week working with my new coach, John Harris, a man notorious for not only his own personal success in the bodybuilding industry, but for coaching other well known athletes as well.  Even though I was slowly losing on my own, I wasn't positive that my diet was supporting my workout and conditioning.  I was losing weight but also lean muscle mass and that body fat percentage wouldn't budge.  Having John help me out with my diet is going to be key to my success.  I trust him 100% to get me where I want to be, so I know the time, energy, and effort I put in will eventually yield the results I crave.  So to say I was excited, is an understatement.  But as I've learned with most self improvement and spiritual growth, the moment you decide to follow Christ or to do the right thing, or whatever that thing is that is going to propel you forward in life and in faith, the Devil attacks you with everything he has to knock you off your high horse and tempt you away from the path less taken.  Whatever will discourage you or question God's ability to work this through you.  

Day 2,  I started coming down with a cold.  My throat was itchy and post-nasal drip, the works.  
The morning of Day 3, my 4 year old baby girl has an accident on our living room couch.  Turns out, she had diarrhea, but no other symptoms.  All through out that night, my poor girl was puking or pooping herself, so my already fatigued body was hitting it's limits.  Add to that, my mother read one of my Instagram posts where I mentioned her opinion on my body building goals and she didn't take too kindly to it, so while I'm elbows deep in puke and poop, she's angrily texting me and hurt that I would post our private conversation.  I should note: my mother is happy that I'm happy and doing her best to be supportive.  She just doesn't get it and has a lot of contradicting ideas about what body building is.  My post was intended to encourage other women to continue to pursue and follow their dreams despite what other people may think or say.  I never thought it would hurt my mom by posting her opinion, but alas I am human and not perfect.  So...  here I am 2am holding my daughters hair back and hearing my phone vibrate and vibrate and vibrate, every "vvvvvv" like nails on a chalkboard, so I raise my closed, tired eyes to the sky and whisper, "enough.  Please, Lord, I need you.  I need a break."  10min later, Evalee is back in bed, my husband crawled in there with her to take care of her if she awoke again, and I got to crawl into a warm bed all to myself!  Praise God!  I turned my phone to silent and fell into the deepest sleep I've had all week.

Luckily, we kept Evalee home from school on Friday and the sickness let up.  We had no issues all day and all night.  Jerod even watched the kids when he got home from a long day at work, so I could keep to my training schedule and get to the gym to do both my weight training and cardio sessions.  I started to feel better, then Saturday poured in, LITERALLY, raining all day long, Evalee's sickness came back (diarrhea again throughout the day), so we had to cancel all our weekend plans including Boo at the Zoo with friends and the women's group I lead each Sunday.  I'm trying to see it all as a blessing.  I was forced to truly rest today and spend some quality time with my kids, building tents, watching movies, and playing board games.  We also took a family walk around the block tonight, put on our rain boots and splashed in some puddles. The best part, I made it through Hell Week and was able to stick to my diet and training routine 100%!  Beat that Satan!  If I can make it through all of this sickness and ugliness and still maintain my diet, training, motivation, and drive, then I can make it next week and the week after that and so on and on and on it goes.  God has me.  He'll carry me when my legs are like jello and I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.  He will be my light in the darkness and keep me focused on that end goal.  My baby sister, Annie, posted a verse from this poem at the beginning of the week and I do not believe in coincidences.  I think I was meant to see it and you all are meant to read it as well.  It was a poem that was written on a pretty beach picture that was framed and hung in the hallway of my childhood home from the time I was 4 to 15 years old.  I remember it well.


Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many   scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,  that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. 
Why, when I   needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
 
Mary Stevenson, 1936

I took before pictures again today.  I'm not posting until next month when I have a really great transformation comparison.  I'm still slowly losing body fat and gaining muscle back, but my motivation and drive has definitely been running at about 70%.  I make about half of my gym days and diet wise has been somewhat of a mess.  Don't get me wrong, I get my healthy meals in, but I've also been getting many added sweets.  I've fallen down the sugar rabbit hole!  Yikes!  So, I've decided to refocus and step up my game.  Even writing this out to the world is making the fat girl in me, break out in a sweat.  lol.  Now people KNOW, which means I have to actually follow through, What?!  Below is what my diet plan looks like and my weigh-in from Tuesday, October 1st.  I'm going to weigh-in at the beginning of each month and post to my blog, as a means to hold myself accountable, in addition to my weekly posts on life and faith, etc.   Hope you can follow along!

16/8 Intermittent Fasting

2-3 days per week will start out with 20-30min Fasted Cardio before the kids wake up or a run with the jogging stroller if they wake up early.

8:30am - Peach Tea with 1 tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar and dash of honey
*Only tea and water before Breakfast.
12:30pm - Breakfast
-2 whole eggs, 2 egg whites, and roasted veggies (1 zucchini, half a head of broccoli, half a bell pepper, half a medium sweet potato, Tbs olive oil, Tbs honey, Tbs Basalmic Vinegar)
-Multivitamin and probiotic
4pm -  Lunch
-5oz boneless chicken breast, 2 cups Spinach, half bag of Dole Sunflower Salad Mix, half an avocado, top with sprouts and a quarter of the Sweet Onion Citrus Dressing or OO, BV dressing.
-Multivitamin
6 - 7pm - GYM TIME
7:15pm - Post workout VEGA sport shake with unsweetened Almond Milk and PB3
8:30pm - Dinner
-5oz Fish or Chicken and a bunch of veggies.  
-Multivitamin
*If I feel the need to snack in-between, I may have a Mad. Vanilla Kind bar or handful of unsalted raw almonds.

**Special Note:  I am almost done breastfeeding!  I only feed my son at night to get him to sleep and back to bed if he awakes again.  Once he is completely weened, I plan to up my supplement game as well.  Adding ZMa at night, a pre-workout on occasion, BCAAs before and during a workout, etc. So stay posted.  


Weigh-In (Oct. 1st):

162.6lbs
25.8% body fat

52.6% water
114.6lb muscle
6 Phy Rate
1633 BMR
24 metabolic age
6.0 bone density

3 Visceral Fat

Been making it to the gym all week and finally starting to feel like old self again. Every day, gaining more and more confidence in my own skin and in the gym. Yesterday was Leg Day and I even came up with the courage to talk with others and ask for help. The Physical Training instrictor on duty agreed to be my resistance for lying leg curls. They didn't have a machine, so I had to improvise. And then the Leg Press had 4, 100lb Dumb Bells on it, so i had to ask a bigger dude to help me get them off. That may not seem like a big deal to most, but when you're the only girl in the gym, it's hard to make friends who won't think your just trying to hit on them. Lol. Thank God the PT person was a girl and not a guy, because I can only imagine the awkwardness of a man forcing my legs down or keeping my butt/hips from coming up off the ground!!

A few weeks ago, I discovered that my IDOL, Dana Linn Bailey, has a website where she posts her daily workouts and videos! I have never been so excited! One of my biggest anxieties is not knowing what I'm going to do at the gym. I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to go in with a plan of action and not worry about how all the machines work etc. Being able to utilize her website for ideas and routines, takes out all of that fear and anxiety, and also saves me a bunch of time. I love it! Below are the movements, along with sets, reps, and weight. It was Killer! If you see me struggling to walk or sit today and tomorrow, you know why! Lol.

Killer Leg Day!

​Squats
90lb BB, 6r X 3s, drop to 70lb, drop to 60lb (next time i wanna add a warm up round - could have done more)
Leg Extentions
90lb, 12, 10, 8, 8r x3s, drop 10lb, drop 10lb, drop 10lb AND 10 half reps to hold
Lying leg curls
12,10,8,8 drop resistance, 8 drop resistance
(PT hand resistance)
Leg press
180lbs (20r,15,10,10,50 drop set)
BW Lunges
goal 100 (I did 70r)

I just got back in town Monday from our vacation to Cocoa Beach, FL this past week.  If you've ever been on a vacation with your toddlers, then you know that the hope of relaxation and peace may be more of a dream than a reality.  Add to it, my husband was unable to get off work for the week, so I was going to have to travel ALONE with both my kids (1yr and 4yr old).  Thank God, for my best friend, Carissa, who graciously accepted my invitation to come along!  I know for a fact that I would not have survived this trip without her help, encouragement, and conversation.  

The plane ride actually went pretty well.  We were able to trap my son between the wall and the isle and let him roam in front of our seats.  I loved watching Evalee's face as the plane started to speed down the runway and lift up into the air.  She squealed with excitement and anticipation of the lift off.  "Look Mom!" she would scream every 10min or so, "LOOK!! We're in the clouds!"  I had booked us a straight flight, so 2hours or so and we were in Florida.  Woohoo!  

And that's where our troubles started...

We waited for the car rental shuttle at the airport for at least 30min in the sweltering heat.  Upon arrival, we realized the rental office is only 500sqft; really only big enough for a handful of people waiting in line, so I had to leave the kids and our luggage outside with Carissa again in the heat for another 40min.  Despite the fact that I had called the company weeks in advance to reserve the right car seats for my kids, they still brought me out the wrong ones and took another 30min to find the right ones and fill our van up with gas.  My poor babies were cranky, hot, and looked like they were about to pass out in the heat.  Day one was not starting out like I had anticipated, but eventually we got into the A/C and were on our way from Orlando to Cocoa Beach.  The excitement had returned, and we couldn't wait to get to our Junior Suite Ocean View retreat, drop our bags and get a bite to eat.  

The drive was an hour long, but Carissa and I had a great time bonding while the kids napped in the back seat.  Immediately upon pulling into the parking lot, I realized something wasn't quite right.  The hotel didn't look like they had pictured it to look on the website.  The exterior was worn down and faded, barely anyone in the parking lot, but I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, so I kept my hopes up.  After all, this place had a pirate ship kiddie pool! How bad could it be? 

​Carissa stayed in the car with the kids, while I ran into the lobby to check us in.  The lobby reeked of mold and mildew.  From the waiting line, I could see into the hall behind the front desk and the floor boards and carpet were discolored and black, like they had some water damage.  STILL, I held my cool and prayed silently that our room would still live up to my expectations.  Let me tell you folks,  the ONLY expectation that was fulfilled was the proximity of the room to the beach!  haha.  It was an absolute nightmare.  Not only did the room also smell like mold and mildew, all the furniture was chipped and dented, paint splattered all over the floor boards and laminate flooring, the couch had sweat stains all over it, and the single bedroom looked as though it had been ransacked right before we arrived.  The mattress and box spring flipped up against the walls and bedding toppling off onto the floor.  I didn't feel safe.  The staff didn't even attempt to encourage us to stay, like THEY KNEW how bad the conditions were.  I said something like, "our room was so scary, I'm thinking of just going to another hotel.  Is it possible to get a refund?"  and the hostess just said, "Yes, I'll do that for you now."!!! "Here you go!"  I assumed they would try and find us something better, but nope.. 

At this point it was now 5pm and a storm was brewing.  We had a car full of tired, hot, hungry kids and luggage and no where to go.  Again, I said a silent prayer.  I could feel the anxiety and tension growing.  I was annoyed and frustrated, and starting to spiral.  "of course this would happen to me!  I can never do anything right!  I needed this vacation so bad, and was so excited about this place... Arg!" /  "NO no no no NO!  You are not going to react this way.  No.  This trip is a gift and is necessary for your sanity.  There is a reason for everything.  Remember that comment you read the other day?  That girl who posted about how she is able to bring herself out of a rage episode? Yes! think of 3 things you can see, 3 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, then 2, then 1."  And just as I was regaining control over my thinking, Carissa chimes in, "You know what, Michelle, I think this is going to work out exactly as it's supposed to.  I think the universe has something so much better in mind for us this week."  She somehow always knows how to calm my soul and bring me comfort in trying times.  I knew she would make an awesome travel buddy for this trip! 

And that is exactly what God had in mind..

I decided not to further overwhelm myself and worry about the room.  I completely let it go and handed it over to God.  I told Carissa, that I would contact an AAA agent after we had gotten dinner and at least attempted to enjoy some of our first day on the beach.  So we found a great place to grab dinner RIGHT ON THE BEACH!  They had live music and a bar and great food and soon our bellies were full and our feet were in the sand.  It rained, but we didn't care.  Arms spread wide, I twirled and it was a good day again.  The AAA agent was able to locate us a room within a matter of a minute and it was a 5min walk from the famous Cocoa Beach Pier.  The whole span of our balcony faced the ocean and the only thing that separated our building from sand was a little patch of wild weeds and bushes.  We were able to literally walk out of our hotel, over a strip of wooden bridge, and into the sand.  It was breathtaking and exactly what I had hoped for over the last couple months.

Wednesday, both my kids came down with some kind of stomach bug.  My daughter woke up puking around 4am, then again at the hotel breakfast buffet, then again in the car (thank God we had a trash bag available!)...  My son never puked but had diarrhea all day long.  We spent the entirety of the day inside our hotel room watching sponge bob, and I thought I was going to absolutely lose it! lol.  But here's the thing..  No, I was unable to get up early and go running that morning on the beach, BUT I was still able to breastfeed the baby on our balcony and watch the sun rise over the ocean.  No, I was unable to enjoy the sunshine from the sand, but Carissa offered to watch over Evalee while Sully napped, so I could go out and sun bathe on the balcony.  No, we did not leave our room, but after the kids fell asleep early, we were able to sip wine in the dark, listening to the waves and crickets, and talk about anything and everything under hundreds of stars, and share life together.  It should have been a terrible day, but it wasn't.  It is a memory I will likely cherish forever.  

So much more happened on this trip..  So much that I won't share as I've already written a novel, but all I can think about looking back over our time in Florida, is how God worked in all of the struggle.  How I was able, probably for the first time in a very long time, to calm the storm within me and seek Christ and bring myself peace of mind.  To let go my need for perfection and order and embrace the chaos..  the gift..  to be content no matter the situation.  

2 Corinthians 12:10
"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I'm going on vacation August 5th through the 12th and plan to thoroughly enjoy my time there, alcohol and food included.  The week I return, the plan is to ease my way back into my meal prep routine, grocery shop that weekend and start my hard core dieting on Monday the 19th.  I will weigh in again on Monday and let you all the damage. lol.  

Below you will also find my goals for the coming year and where I intend to be by this time next year.  

March 18th
Weight - 183lbs
Body Fat - 38%
Visceral Fat - 6
Metabolic Age - 50

June 24th
Weight - 165.4 lbs
Body Fat - 35.9%
Visceral Fat - 5
Metabolic Age - 45

August 1st 
Weight - 161 lbs
Body Fat - 31.7%
Visceral Fat - 4
Metabolic Age - 37

Goals:
By Feb 1, 2020 -
>Regain pre-baby level of fitness
>Body Fat = less than or equal to 21%

By March/April - 
>Find Personal Trainer & Posing Coach

By May/June
>Compete in first show, not expecting to win

By September/October
>Championships   ...maybe  ...someday.

My daughter loves my belly.  I mean intensely LOVES it.  I have been chatting with her lately about my recent health and fitness goals, and the only thing that she has been able to focus on is the loss of my belly fat.  She snuggles her head into it, kisses it, then cries, "but mama!  I don't want your squishy belly to go away!!  I love it!  It's so nice to cuddle with."   Her innocent, wonderful, pure love of me and view of the human body makes me feel so full of joy.  She see's through a lens of love, not entrapped by the weight of the world, just a girl who loves her mama.  

It is incredibly important to me to teach my daughter about good health and wellness without causing her fear of food or putting too much emphasis on how we "look."  My mother never taught me how to eat to properly fuel my body, and because of that I struggled with my weight and low energy my whole childhood.  She encouraged me to be active.  I did play a couple different sports and danced, etc. but her focus was more on the emotional.  She wanted to make sure I accepted myself in whatever skin I was in, so she'd say, "Michelle, just love who you are.  God made you perfect.  Just love WHO YOU ARE."  Who you are...  that phrase still strikes a terrible cord with me.  I get that her intention was for me to love myself and that is wonderful, but it made me feel like my fat defined me.  Like fat was just What I was.  Just accept that I was never going to be anything else.  Why even try?  This is how God made you, just accept it!  It drove me nuts.  As with most things in life, if someone told me I couldn't do it or I wasn't something, you best believe I was going to try to prove them wrong.  But it did take years of learning, building self-confidence, and growing closer to Christ to fully infiltrate my mind and belief system.  I was capable.  I was worthy.  I had potential.  I don't want my daughter to endure that struggle.

Evalee saw me checking out the Ohio NPC bikini championships on my phone and asked what I was I was looking at.  I told her that I'm hopeful that one day maybe next year, I'll be able to compete in a similar contest, explaining how hard the athletes train and how disciplined they must be to compete and especially to win.  She seemed fascinated and smiled at every picture.  Then she looked at me and looked at the pictures again, then said, "Well Mama...  You may not win."  haha!  I said, "Why not?!"  She replied, "You just have to be ok if you don't win.  But don't worry, I'll still love you."  Now every day since, she has encouraged and asked to work out with me, saying, "Let's go, Mom!  You gotta build those muscles!"  haha.  I just love her enthusiasm.  I think she'll make a great coach some day.

Today, she asked if she could attend my Boxing class with me.  She normally goes into the little kids watch area and plays while I'm in the gym, but because this was a class and away from heavy machinery, I told her that I would ask.  We were able to get her in the class and she, in her own words, FREAKED OUT!  She ran upstairs to find the perfect Workout Outfit. lol.  Always my diva.  My little Mini Me.  I was so proud of her.  Being able to teach her different punches and witness her eyes light up when my mouth would drop in surprise of her hit, just made my entire existence.  It is truly a memory that I will cherish forever.  The 4year old kicked some major butt today, and I am so proud of her for toughing it out through the whole class.  It makes me hopeful that we may share this joy of fitness together the rest of our lives.  It also makes me proud of myself and realize despite what the devil would have me believe, I AM a good mom and I AM trying my best and I AM not going to let her down and I AM good and leading by example.  Daily affirmations are so important in the journey of relearning the Truth.  If you have had similar struggles, I pray that you read the daily affirmations below (provided by oneyearbible.com) because they are life giving.